One of the main foci of couples counseling is communication. Typically, when we talk about communication, however, we’re not using that term to describe “talking.” We’re using that term to describe how we communicate, how we listen, our body language, and more.
Sometime, the focus is on the words we use. For example, many couples use terms like “always” and “never” during arguments, and unfortunately, those two words are a source of conflict rather than the solution to conflict. While we always encourage people to try to understand where their partner is coming from rather than focus on the language they use, the unfortunate reality is that here is language that can completely turn people off in a conversation, and “always” and “never” has the potential to do that.
What is the Issue With “Always” and “Never” in an Argument?
We’re trying to communicate as best we can with our partner, which means that we’re trying to do two things:
- We’re trying to make sure that our feelings are really heard/understood.
- We want this communication to facilitate change.
The entire point of any argument or discussion with a partner is because we have needs we feel are not being met, and we want the result of the discussion to be that the partner tries to change in some way to meet those needs.
The language we use can make both of these things difficult. During the heat of a discussion, we tend to use phrases such as:
- “Why do you never help me with the kids?”
- “You *ALWAYS* think you’re right.”
We’ll get mad at say “you never listen to me!” or “you always choose your family over me!”
The result?
The person has a valid argument. Their mind goes and think about all the times that it wasn’t true. They go on the defensive, because very few things are ever “always” or “never” and sometimes they may even have proof, able to show you specific examples of them doing the thing you said they never do.
Perhaps more importantly, they’re no longer listening. They’re not accepting and trying to understand what you’re really saying. It can even have the opposite effect, because if a partner has been trying to change and you still use “always” or “never” words, you may be invalidating that change and causing them to withdraw or even give up, depending on the issue you’re discussing.
It can be hard to change your language in the heat of the moment. But if we can avoid that type of definitive terminology, we can improve communication overall and make it easier for your partner to listen to your needs and feel seen themselves. Every couple is made up of two individuals, and the more you’re using language that recognizes your partner, the more likely your partner will be in a better mental space to listen as well.
If you need help communicating as a couple, please reach out to Nassau Counseling Services, today.
